I've really wanted to start blogging more about me personally on this page and not just the going ons in Alaska. It is my desire to reach out and connect personally, so I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and hoping to be embraced.
If you don't already know, I have a daughter that is special needs. We call her Peanut. You can read about her miracle story. She has been diagnosed with microcephaly, which means small head, and cerebral palsy. Due to her brain trauma at birth, she has developmental delays. She is a tiny, fragile thing who puts up a fight.
My youngest daughter is 2 years younger then Peanut, we call her Snugglebug. Snugglebug was born completely healthy. As she gained weight, I knew she would pass Peanut because Peanut didn't gain weight fast. Generally, Peanut was in the 3% for weight gain. That time has come. Snugglebug is a pound heavier then Peanut. That didn't bother me as much as I thought it was going to, but it still stung.
The hard time I'm having now and I don't think I'm truly facing is that Snugglebug is going to pass Peanut developmentally and mentally. They play so well together right now. It's like they are on the same page. People constantly ask me if they are twins.
A lot of "what ifs" cross my mind. What's going to happen when Snugglebug passes Peanut? Is Peanut going to be left behind? Or is it not going to bother me as much like the weight issue. I'm so sad when I see my Peanut having a hard time engaging other 4 year olds. No parent wants their child left out.
What's going to happen when she is older? Will she have the life her brother and sister will have? Will she be able to engage other teenagers? Will she have friends that call her to talk? Will she have crushes? Will boys be interested in her? Will people find her as beautiful that I think she is? Will she be able to go to college? Will she be able to live on her own? Will she be able to get married and have a baby? All these questions bring pain to my heart because I don't know the answer. I'm afraid to know the answer.
Parenting is hard. I don't have answers. All I can think about is what the neurologist told us, "peanut will tell and show you." The more I realize I don't have control of my life, the easier it is to let go and live. But it doesn't mean I don't have feelings through it. I'm sad and afraid for her. Then I look at her and how much she loves life. It brings gladness to my heart and I'm not as sad and afraid for her.