Our Little Miracle

  It was a Saturday morning when I started becoming concerned for my little baby girl, Peanut who was growing in me. I was 38 weeks and I wasn't feeling her move as much as I usually do. I drank some juice and laid on my back to see if she would move. Was that a kick? Maybe she is sleeping.

  Later that day, I still wasn't feeling her move. Maybe I missed it while I was chasing my 20 month old son. Maybe I should go in to the hospital. Ah, I'm just being paranoid. Maybe she does not move as much as my son does, maybe this means she will be more laid back?

  That night my concern was growing even more. I laid in bed and asked my husband to pray for me, I was afraid. It was 3am, maybe I should just go in and then come back home cause everything is okay. I finally decided to go in in the morning by myself and then be back in time for church.

  I started crying telling why I was there to the nurse. They brought me back and started doing tests. Oh thank God, there is a heartbeat, but the nurse is concerned and being vague. Peanut was failing all the tests. While this was going on, I was on the phone with my husband, we were glad that we heard the heartbeat and thought things were okay. The nurse said that the doctor was on his way and that Peanut would be born via emergency C-section. I told my husband to call my mom to watch our son, and come in as soon as possible.

  I was in such shock, I don't really remember those fast moments . I remembered going into a room where lots of doctors and nurses were. I was so afraid. Afraid for Peanut, afraid for me, what is going to happen?

  My husband finally arrived and came into the room right before they opened me up. It happened so fast. The doctor pulled her out, but no cries. They said the cord was wrapped around her neck very tightly 3 times and she needed help breathing. Finally I heard my little baby cry out. Big sigh of relief.

 Things were looking hopeful, she didn't have to go to the NICU nursery. A couple of hours passed and we finally were both doing great resting in a room.

  As a nurse was making her rounds, checking vitals on Peanut and myself, she asked to take Peanut back to get some oxygen cause she didn't seem to be taking enough in. Sure, I said, and thought the delivery was rough so she would be back shortly.

 The nurse walked back into the room with a doctor and no baby. The doctor started telling me that Peanut has a seizure and they wanted to do a Spinal Tap to rule out meningitis. He talked about all the things that could go wrong. Please, do whatever you need to do to help my baby. I was in shock, again. I don't even know what to do, what to say. What is going on. I called my husband to come back because they didn't know what was going on with Peanut.

  I can't even tell you everything that happened within that long hour. They were trying to get things under control, telling me everything that was going on, medicine they were giving her, procedures that needed to happen. I just wanted to see her, to hold her.

  We finally got to see her after all the tests were concluded, they had her on 2 types of medicine to control her seizures. We walked up to her bed side and she was sleeping from the medicine. She then stopped breathing, we watched her oxygen levels go down, and we were helpless. All I could say is please Lord let her live. She then started breathing, but this is what her seizures looked like, she stopped breathing. I could only touch her little wrapped up body. I couldn't hold her to my chest and kiss her little head.

  They started an EEG on her and her brainwaves were very abnormal. The neurologist couldn't tell me anything, the NICU doctors couldn't tell me anything and the nurses couldn't tell me anything about what was going to happen.
 

  Every hour we just waited for something, some hope. I visited her as much as possible as I was healing from a C-section via classical incision.
 

 Several days passed and her seizures were under control. They did an MMR and found brain damage, more then likely from the birth. It was so lonely. The world passed by outside the hospital and I didn't even know or even care what was going on. I just wanted my baby to be healthy.
 

 

 I finally got to hold her, to nurse her, to touch her. Then I got to room with her and start taking care of her. It was round the clock care making sure she ate enough so we could leave. The medicine made her so drowsy so she left even more so then a newborn does. She failed the hearing test several times. Another thing to add onto my worries.
 

 After a week, we got to leave. I was blessed that it only was a week. Some babies had been in there for months. I was even more afraid to be at home. What if she has more seizures? I don't have a machine that will go off. I don't remember too many of those days.

  She failed another newborn hearing test. I was afraid, what if she is deaf? More doctor visits and more concerns. She wasn't gaining very much weight, her head wasn't growing either. We had to visit several doctors to try and find out what was going on. Many months of waiting. There was no diagnosis, which I wanted so badly. Tell me how her future looks, will she ever hear, will she ever live a normal life, will we have to take care of her for the rest of her life, will she be able to have friends, drive, have children? Wait and see, Peanut will tell us.

  I grieved my "perfect" child that we all hope for. It sounds horrible. Nothing prepares you for this. This was out of my control, which is so hard because I have such a need to be in control. My son was by the books, normal. What did I do wrong? What did I eat? What did I do to cause this?

  Peanut was diagnosed with microcephaly, which means small head. I cant even tell you the number of doctor visits we have been to.We found out she is not deaf but has mild/moderate loss in her right ear. She wears a hearing aid, waiting for her glasses to come in, and an orthopedic brace on her right foot. She does occupational, speech, and physical therapy 4xs a week.

 

  This girl has come a long ways and surprises us daily. I don't know what her future holds, but I know and love Who holds her future. That's all I can trust right now.

  Why did I tell you this? I tell you all this because I want you to get touch with the gut feeling. Trust it. Its a God given gift that sometimes we don't listen to. Your son isn't where the other kids are, get him checked out now. You don't trust your doctor when she says your daughter is fine, get a second opinion. Go with your parental instincts, it can save a life.

 I leave you with a picture of my little peanut and my 5 month old Snugglebug. I had tons of fears with Snugglebug's pregnancy, but that's for another day.